“Mom! There is a letter outside!” Heng’s footsteps can be heard from the front yard and it gets louder as he rushes in.
“From who is it?” I ask from the kitchen by raising my voice since I’m trying to make some snacks for them later. Today is Sunday so our shop is closed and I can spend all of my time with my beloved children.
“Zhu… an… Sartika..?” What he just informed me, makes me freeze up from where I’m standing. Such a familiar name yet still not welcoming in my life. It’s been more than a decade since I heard that name, that particular woman’s name.
“Here, mom. Did I read it correctly?” Heng asks curiously while handing the letter to me which also wakes me up to reality. Once I look at him, his eyes are shining and full of hope that he gets to read it correctly. What a ball of sunshine as it makes the tip of my lips lift up.
“Well done, Heng. You read the name perfectly!” Praising for his excellence and giving headpats as a reward which makes his face brighter than ever.
“Qiu,” I call our housemaid who is standing beside me, “please accompany Heng and Jieru to watch tv.”
“Yes, Ma’am.” She nods first and turns her head to look at Heng “Let’s go Heng, we are going to watch tv together with Jieru in the main room.”
Now that I’m alone in the kitchen, it gives me enough space to open the letter that comes uninvited. A letter from my mother.
To my dearest daughter, Niu.
Just from this one single sentence, my heart aches as I know this doesn't mean anything special.
How have you been? I believe you already have a bunch of kids over there. Your life seems okay there, huh? Since you never contact or send a letter to your family here. [husband] must be working so hard out there only for his family. Meanwhile, you are just taking care of your kids and the house. It’s nice isn’t it? You did nothing but be able to buy or get anything you wanted because of your husband's hard work.
Halfway through the letter, I can feel something boiling inside of me. Fifteen years have already passed by but nothing has changed from her. The amount of pressure from her sarcasm and assumption without knowing anything are hard to handle no matter how many times I experience it.
I know you can’t do anything correctly, how bad your work is, I keep suggesting that you find a job. Stop being a burden to your husband and treat him nicely although you probably couldn’t. Also best of luck to teach your children to behave well. I don’t want you to turn my grandchildren into someone useless like you. You can’t argue with it because I’m your mom. Mom knows the best for her children.
That is the end of her first letter. My hands squeeze the paper tightly as well as my jaws. My eyes burn as it is glaring at one point. But that burning moment only lasts for a few minutes until my lips curl up once again, forming a smile that I never thought I could make in such a situation after all these years. Probably, it’s because of what she just wrote in the last part of the letter.
“Yes, Mom.” Whispering underneath my breath, “I know what’s the best for my children. They won’t go through the same path as me.” Another vow that I made for myself. A note that I will bring until death comes to get me.
It has been five years since we opened our own motorcycle shop. Correction, ‘my’ shop because Quan got his new job three years ago and the same circulation happened again. He barely got home or interacted with the children, especially Shoi-ming probably because of the incident five years ago. However, those kinds of things no longer bother me. Instead, it gives me peace and relief as he stays away from my children. Maybe I just got used to it or feel uneasy whenever he is around them? Both ways are fine by me.
Put in mind that life will never go smoothly as we wanted it to be. This news is supposedly good for both of us, the family and Quan himself, because his new job paid him with a high salary. However, who would ever know what’s come up in his mind? I might sound like a gold digger but the thought of where he spends all of his money always gets through. One thing for sure, our family only gets around ten to fifteen percent of his salary. Disappointed? Of course, a little bit. To make it clear, it is not because he doesn’t give it to me. It is all about how much he can give toward our children, for their future, needs, and education, compared with those people that I have no clue who they are.
Back to today’s activity with my children, I’m in the middle of watching TV while trying to drive them to sleep. Suddenly the telephone in our family room rings which makes me need to get up very carefully from where we are lying down to pick up the call.
“Hello, is this Niu?” This is what I meant as ‘those people’. It is just one of them, Quan's mom, Yang Cai.
“Yes. It is me Nǎi Nai.” Simply answer her call, knowing what’s going to happen next. Since she is my mother in law, I have to call her with nǎi nai.
“We are going to your house this weekend. You better prepare something for us.” The other person orders with a threatening voice. Not the first time but unfortunately I never can get used to the way she treats me so harshly through words.
“Yes, Nǎi Nai.” Monotonically replying to her.
“Good. Always remember that you should be grateful that my son chooses to marry you, instead of someone else that is hundred percent better than you. You must treat us well.” She says firmly with an arrogant voice of hers before hanging up the phone.
Two attacks in arrow from both parents? What a morning. Everytime I hear their voices, it never fails to boil the emotion inside of me. Both of them, even my own mother, never stand up or be by my side whenever I need support. Nevertheless, each word that comes out from them actually sounds like a reminder in my ears. Of course, I’m grateful. Marrying someone like him is one of my childhood goals after all.
As Nǎi Nai are going to visit our house this weekend, I need to prepare myself for anything that is going to happen. Since it always happens anyway, I can follow the same pattern where my body will at least leave with one or two bruises in those days. It is not like they are the one who is doing it though. None of them ever touch or hurt me physically, it always comes from Quan.
In a blink of an eye, the weekend is finally here and Nǎi Nai just arrives in front of our door house.
“Hello!” Nǎi Nai greets Jieru and Heng when I invite her over. As kids, they will warmly welcome their grandparents and do our family gesture to kiss the back of her hand.
“Oh.. these children are already this big? Time surely flies by, huh?” A voice comes from behind her. Of course, based on Nǎi Nai’s age, she needs someone to accompany her if she wants to get here. Quan’s last sibling, the dearest child that he seems to love more than Shoi-ming or any other kids, Wuying Bèi.
They said that she is an incidental child from his grandparents because the range of her age with others is too far. By all means, she was born close to Shoi-ming’s date with only fourteen years difference, which is why Shoi-ming never gets the attention and affection he deserves. All of those things will be given to this person who already looks annoyed while looking around the house. Moreover, she steps inside the house with her shoes on yet Nǎi Nai doesn’t say anything to her.
“Take this.” Someone's voice comes behind me, from the front door, and gives me the back of his hand, Quan.
“Welcome home.” Accepting the gesture then taking off his blazer.
“I want to take a rest peacefully. Don’t you dare not treat them well.” He threatens and then walks past me toward Heng and Jieru before heading to the bedroom.
“Ma! I’m home!” Now this voice is the one so welcoming in my ears. Shoi-ming just came from his school and kissed the back of my hand immediately. However I feel bad for him because once he enters the room and his eyes land on those two people, his smile slowly fades away.
“Hello, dear.” Nǎi Nai greets him first.
“Hello.” Continued by Wuying and Shoi-ming replies both of them with a weak smile on his face. Quick notice, Shoi-ming is the only child that never accepts the gesture of kissing the back of their hand. He only kisses mine and Quan’s.
“How’s school, dear? Did you have fun?” I ask him and bend down until our height is on the same level. He only replies to me with a nod as his face looks gloomy. Completely understanding how he feels and what’s going on inside his mind right now, I tell him to play with Heng and Jieru in their shared bedroom.
Now, it is just the three of us, excluding my children, as they look at me with that smirk on their faces. Although I know exactly what is the meaning behind those smiles, I still can’t accept and will never get used to anything that is going to happen for the next two days. Actually, it starts now, this very first second.
“What is this?! I don’t want to eat such cheap food!” Wuying whines when she enters the kitchen and sees me and Qiu are preparing the food for dinner.
“But don’t you say that you want to eat chop suey for dinner?” I ask her with an irritated face.
“Yeah I said that but!” Her voice raises even more in order to make a particular someone to back her up.
“Hey! Hey!” Just like what I mentioned, “What’s with the fuse?!” Nǎi Nai rushes in and I can see how red her face is, painted with anger.
“Mom, look at this!” Wuying drags her mother's arm to get closer with the pot “I can barely see any slices of chicken inside of it! She also doesn’t put in broccoli!” There you go. Complaining with her whining voice about tiny things but it sounds like a big deal for their ears, especially if Quan knows about it.
“You are really useless, huh?” Nǎi Nai says and glares at me in the eyes, “I believe my grandchildren will starve for the rest of the day having a mother like you. What a shame for the Bèi family.” As always, insulting words are very welcome for me. It is not the first time from her though, even my own mother said the same thing to me which is that I'm slowly getting used to it.
“That’s it. You eat that garbage with your children. I’m taking Wuying to eat dinner with me. Don’t you ever think that you can run away from it though.” With that last threat, she walks out from the kitchen as Wuying follows her from behind.
This is what I meant as the same pattern. It’s not only about food but also some other things of how I should treat them better such as giving massages, preparing morning and evening tea, washing and cleaning the house, and many other more. Each of the activities will be complained about by them for ridiculous reasons and somehow Quan will believe every single one of it. Two days of hell passed by and I’m ready to get the reward that I deserve from their complaints.
“You really can’t take care of them, huh?! It’s only for two days yet you barely can do anything right!” Quan furiously drags and throws me to the back yard, the best place to give me reward.
Last step of the pattern, where he is about to go back to Lijiang, he needs to beat me up from all of the services I have done to Nǎi Nai and Wuying. Just like the usual, kicking, punching, pulling my hair, those kinds of reward that I got from it. Every single time whenever they come to our house and no matter how nice I’m trying to fulfill their satisfaction, there is no use.
This is just one of the things that I got from two of six family members of his. There are still four other siblings and his friends who are working and living in Lijiang. Actually all of these problems and pressures are coming from one thing that my husband has. Money. They keep asking and wanting to get something using his money and weirdly, Quan always gives him lightly. It’s like just buying a bag of chips even though the price is almost half a million yuan.
No matter how many times Quan gets warning from me, children, or any other people, Quan never listens. If I’m the one who talks to him, probably what I get afterward is already predicted. Heng and Jiuri are still too young to understand this problem and they never know about the harsh things their father had done. Even though Shoi-ming understands and knows about it, he chooses to not say anything about it. The last time he complained was the night before I vowed to not let anyone touch them.
Those are a short summary of our problem of which money is actually the source of it. Should I feel mad? Angry? Jealous? What about divorce? Some people around me, my close friends, and my employees know about our family problems and all of them tell me to do so and try to look for a new partner. However, I never agree with any similar suggestions.
Everytime and whenever I see a mirror only to show my face’s reflection, those feelings rush inside of me as my face becomes furious as well. The scar from that night will never be erased on my face. A scar that always reminded me of my vow. If I chose to have divorce him, that means I lost in this battle. I know exactly the one who gets most affected by this action is my children. That’s why I won’t let any of those things happen. I will fight in this battle in my own way until the very last breath.
**2010**
“There you go, Mrs. Niu. How is the shop?” One of the bank employees asks, named Feng Xiuying.
“Doing great, Feng. How about you? Any update from last week?” Replying to him with a warm smile on my face. We have known each other for almost five years since I opened my bank account. However both of us seem to click together as we get along with each other. He is also the one who is brave enough to ask what happened with the scar on my face.
“Everything goes smoothly and I think I’m planning to ask her out to have an official relationship this weekend.” He answers confidently.
“Great! Remember to treat her well, will you?” Yes, our relationship almost sounds like a son and a mother.
“Yes, Ma’am. Will and always be.” He replies once again still with the same expression. When I’m about to bid goodbye, he suddenly stops me from doing so.
“Sorry, Ma’am. Do you have a moment? Or do you have to leave right away to open your shop?” Seeing his expression change a bit, I face him full with curiosity as he gets the signal to continue.
“Okay. But I think I can’t say it in this place…” He starts while looking around us, "Please come to my room for a bit.” This makes me look at him weirdly but I’m sure it’s something that is so important. Since Feng is a part of the employees who needs to interact with platinum or priority members, he has his own private room. There is so much potential in him and he already got such a high position in this bank at this age.
Not to mention that, even though Quan barely gives us money, I’m still able to save some for us in the bank from the shop. Ever since he got his new job, to be more precise 2005, we have never touched each other's money. He won’t know or to what I spend the money and so do I. Fortunately, as he gets his salary higher, he can give to our children even more which makes me a bit relieved. That is why I focus on my own savings and become a priority member of this bank.
“This might be not really important but I’m sorry that I feel like you have to know about this.” He briefly explains his reason for bringing me here once we enter the room and the door behind us closes perfectly. As how gentlemen Feng is, he pulls the chair in front of his desk for me first before going to his.
“Okay so this is what I found.” He starts off by pulling a big folder from his desk’s drawer then opens it up before handing it to me. Meanwhile, I still don’t get any idea of what he is going to talk or show me as I’m just following his instructions and looking at him confusedly. Once I take all of the papers inside from the folder and read it carefully, my eyes slowly open wider in shock of what he just showed me.
“Feng… what is this for?” Asking him as my face slowly looks up to meet him. Feng shows his tiny smile and lets out a short sigh before answering.
“Well… just like I said before. I feel like I owe you something from what you have done to me, Ma’am. If it’s not from you, I probably won’t be able to sit on this chair.” He answers simply with that innocent smile. Hearing the way he answers it, it leaves me speechless.
“That is why..” He takes a deep breath once again, “Allow me to help you, Ma’am.” This is the part where my heart suddenly aches so much and my eyes start to burn again.
“Please don’t say that. Don’t praise me that much. You got this position because of your own hard work, Feng. Not because of me.” I say to him, still with a steady voice.
“But if you don’t meet me that night, crossing on that bridge, I won’t be here, Ma’am.” Again, this hits me differently again as he makes me silent again.
“Please, Ma’am. Allow me to draw my start line to repay what you have done to my life.” My heart aches even more, my throat starts to get tighten as well, and I can feel there are ponds in both of my eyes.
“I’m begging you, Ma’am. Please let me save my savior as well.” Right after he said that, now the chain that is holding my emotion slowly crashed. My head is down and that is where a teardrop starts to fall. The room fills with silence as I’m just sitting in front of him and sobbing silently. Feng doesn’t say anything. He only stares at me with eyes full of emphatic. After a moment, I finally got the courage to say anything back to him.
“What do you want me to do with this..?” I ask him with my cracked voice without looking at him as my eyes still focus on the folder above me. From my question, I can hear his chuckles and the sound of him standing from his seat.
“Since this is your fight, you will be the hero Ma’am. After all this time, you are the one who is holding a shield to protect yourself from all of those attacks.” He explains while walking towards me.
“Now,” He bends down and gently caresses my shoulder, “I want you to be the one who is holding the sword. And if you need a shield or a back up, I will be there for you.”
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