“What did you use the money for?”
Money plays one of the biggest roles in this world. The power this thing holds is so much bigger than anything. There are some quotes in this world about how money works which are: Everything is about money, Time is money, All you need is money, and furthermore will simply be about money. Sometimes these kinds of words will make people put money as their target then afterward there are a lot of things that could happen after receiving it.
“How much is it?”
The feeling of satisfaction from how much money they get. This is the beginning of where the powers will slowly start to show up on each person. Simply said, there are two sides of it which are being wise or just greedy. The people who choose to be wise by using the power of money most likely can make things better to others. On the other hand, greed will obviously bring such a disaster for people around and even to themself.
“Who uses the money?”
How sad and pathetic it looks, there are a lot of people who choose or turn to be greedy from the options. Want to make them change? Of course. How? By what? Nothing and most likely impossible to happen. Once the person chooses which side they are going to get, there won’t be a way back.
“WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ABOUT MONEY?”
From all of these perspectives, the choice to be wise is the best option in humanity, right? Not only for humanity but literally for everything or anything that comes out in this world. That is how simple wise can be but some people never see or expect there is a dark side behind it.
Money plays one of the biggest roles in this world. The power this thing holds is so much bigger than anything. There are some quotes in this world about how money works which are: Everything is about money, Time is money, All you need is money, and furthermore will simply be about money. Sometimes these kinds of words will make people put money as their target then afterward there are a lot of things that could happen after receiving it.
“How much is it?”
The feeling of satisfaction from how much money they get. This is the beginning of where the powers will slowly start to show up on each person. Simply said, there are two sides of it which are being wise or just greedy. The people who choose to be wise by using the power of money most likely can make things better to others. On the other hand, greed will obviously bring such a disaster for people around and even to themself.
“Who uses the money?”
How sad and pathetic it looks, there are a lot of people who choose or turn to be greedy from the options. Want to make them change? Of course. How? By what? Nothing and most likely impossible to happen. Once the person chooses which side they are going to get, there won’t be a way back.
“WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ABOUT MONEY?”
From all of these perspectives, the choice to be wise is the best option in humanity, right? Not only for humanity but literally for everything or anything that comes out in this world. That is how simple wise can be but some people never see or expect there is a dark side behind it.
**1999, November**
“Good morning, Kiddo!” A cheerful voice comes out from a person who plays a big role in my life after I chose to leave my parents behind. This is my new family, our family, that he is going to raise and lead for in the future. He is the person who I vowed to be my partner until both of our hair turns white, barely can stand up alone, and to the final destination of life. My husband, Quan Bèi.
Even though he greets us with such high energy in the morning, I know that none of it is for me. It’s for my six years old only child, Shoi-ming.
“Mowrning, Dad!” He replies with his mouth still full of food.
Quan comes approaching us while chuckling over how cute Shoi-ming replies to him. Meanwhile I’m just sitting right next to Shoi-ming, holding a tissue to wipe off some of the food around his mouth, as my eyes are just staring at Quan.
“Dad must leave earlier today. You study well in school, okay?” He says while gently patting Shoi-ming’s head.
“Aaaa…” Shoi-ming starts whining from what his father just said “Can you please stay a little bit longer? Until I finish my breakfast?” Now that puppy eyes can be seen.
“I’m very sorry, kiddo. My friend is already outside and I feel bad if I make him wait any longer.” With this reply, Shoi-ming knows he can no longer beg him to stay as he shows his saddening face.
“Okay…” Shoi-ming replies half-heartedly and slowly munches his food after I feed him another mouthful spoon. Even though he is sulking right now, he still wants to bid goodbye by kissing the back of his father's hand.
After giving Shoi-ming a ‘proper’ greeting as a father, he finally looks directly into my eyes. His mouth doesn’t say any word but his eyes are enough for telling me to come with him to the front door. Hence, I put down Shoi-ming’s bowl on the table and kiss his cheek before following Quan’s order.
“Take care of Shoi-ming while I’m away.” He says when opening the door and giving me his right hand for me to kiss the back of it.
This gesture is our family tradition. Whenever my husband is going to leave the house, I need to kiss the back of his right hand. Same goes for the children later, if any of them are going to leave the house, they need to kiss the back of our right hands. It also tells each other goodbye and pray for their safety until reaching the destination.
Don’t know where the courage is coming from this morning, somehow there is an urge inside of me wanting to confront how I feel for quite some time now. It is probably because I feel anxious and overthink what is going to happen. The possibility of the same thing happening is quite high if things keep going on like this. To make it more precise, it is about what I have been holding on by myself for almost over five months.
“Can you please stay at home a bit longer? It’s okay if it’s only fo-” My message is not delivered completely but he already let out a frustrated sigh.
“You heard me, right? Don’t make me repeat it.” He says coldly and starts to walk out of the house.
“I mean for next week. You always stay in our house for two days then you go for ten days. Can you at least stay for thr-” Once again, he doesn’t give me a chance to finish.
“Do you know how busy I am? How hard is my work? That I need to meet those important people right on time without a miss? If I’m not working, who is going to give you and Shoi-ming money?” He threatens angrily with his furious voice. Not only that, he is also closing the distance between us which makes it more intimidating.
“Sorry… I just don’t want the same thing to happen again…” At this point, I can’t even reply to him in a steady voice as it feels like almost cracking into pieces.
“It won’t. Just stop working at the market and take care of yourself then nothing is going to happen with the baby.” That is the last sentence he says to me before leaving for his work of the week.
Meanwhile I’m just standing right in front of the door with fear freely clinging on me as my mind starts to run around in darkness. My eyes start to burn and it feels like there is something holding on my throat which almost makes me want to let my tears come out.
“Mom?” Thankfully by hearing that voice, all of the things that I hold suddenly disappear. As I turn around, only to find him peeking beside the wall with his innocent face that is worth protecting with my whole life, my little angel.
“Come here, Dear.” Giving my warmest smile for him while heading toward him to pick him up.
“Let’s get ready today!” Words of encouragement for myself that are followed with cheerful reactions from Shoi-ming. These reactions are enough to brighten my world that almost fell into darkness previously.
You’re the only thing that I have, my little angel
**2000, March**
“What?! Did he lose his mind or something?!” My friend shouts over the phone that she is holding on, Ning Guanyu. It makes me and Shoi-ming startled because right now our position is in the hospital room. The reason why she is here is because I just gave birth for the second time.
“What is it?” I ask and grab Ning’s hand to make her look at me. When she turns her face towards me, it only paints with anger, disappointment, and disgust. It completely looks like she just heard something that no one will ever expect to happen. However my question doesn't get a straight answer as she just shakes her head lightly then turns her back on me. Leaving me all worried and confused about the situation.
“Mom! Heng’s hand is squeezing my finger!” Once again, a voice that can draw my attention completely in a second. Not only that, the weight in my chest just suddenly goes away as if it never was there just because looking at my adorable sons. Moreover, sooner or later, I will get to hear what’s the news from Ning anyway.
Three days after I gave birth and took treatments from the hospital, weirdly my husband’s nose doesn’t show up at all. Even though I’m already aware that this is going to happen since he is still on working days, the feeling of disappointment can’t be avoided. After helping me with the hospitality, Ning also drives the three of us back home.
“We’re home!” Shoi-ming shouts happily and rushes to get inside once I unlock the front door.
“Don’t forget to change your clothes, dear!” I shout from outside as one of my hands is busy taking my shoes off because the other one I use to hold Heng.
“Let me help you.” Ning says from behind me as she scoops her hand around Heng’s body.
“Thanks a bunch, Ning. I’m sorry that you’re the one who did all of these things.” Replying to her while carefully handing over Heng.
“Don’t be sorry.. As your friend, it is a must for me to take care of you whenever you’re in this situation.” She replies with a smile on her face. But that smile lasts for less than five seconds.
“I should be the one who needs to say sorry to you, Niu.” She says with an expression that I have never seen before. Correction, the expression that I saw three days ago, right after I gave birth to Heng. The time to reveal the news finally comes as I respond to her with a nod and quickly put Heng on bed comfortably.
"Please look over Heng.” Giving Shoi-ming his duty before heading back to Ning and as expected he gives such a cute reply for it. When I get back to our front terrace, Ning is sitting on one of the chairs with the look of wanting to tell me it for quite a long time already.
“So what is it?” Asking her while I’m taking my seat.
"Hah..” She lets out a heavy sigh, “Honestly, when I heard the news, I was at a loss for words of what he is going to do at that moment.”
Hearing that, it doesn’t completely answer my question and give me any clue what is going on. It only leaves me more confused as my heart weirdly aches even before knowing it.
“Just tell me. What is it?” I ask her once again but this time with a demanding voice.
“Your husband was planning to marry another woman.” When I hear that come out, my mind goes blank immediately. Now I just realize that he never touched or laid his finger to caress my belly for the whole nine months. He doesn’t even bother himself to at least interact with our second child.
It’s true that there are some times, somewhere when I’m alone, when Shoi-ming is already in his deep sleep, these kinds of thoughts go through my head. It starts from his sudden change, which is when he rarely stays at home and treats me harshly in forms of both words and physically. Even though some parts of me are ready to hear this coming, it is still not that easy to accept it.
Not as easy as how you want to play with another woman.
**2002, February**
“I told you to get rid of the baby!” Quan shouts, standing right in front of me. Meanwhile I’m sitting on the floor and unable to stand up with both of my legs. He hurts me mentally and physically which makes me feel like I’m just an animal at this point. This is our third child and it’s already five months old inside of me yet he is still able to treat me harshly like this.
“Can’t you just listen to me once?!” Right after he tells me this, the anger that I lock inside of me, almost reaches its own limits. My fists clutch tightly so that it feels like my nails might get through my skin. Finally, the words that I have been holding on for the past few minutes slip out from my mouth.
“Have you ever listened to me?” I say without bringing my face up to look at his face.
This is a provocation. I know I shouldn’t say it because it only makes the problem worse. It’s not like I don’t want to fight or be scared of him. It’s simply because I don’t want anything bad to happen toward Shoi-ming and Heng, especially the one in my belly. I won’t let anyone let their finger touch any of them even for a second.
Sorry, my dear child. You might get a hit at this point.
“Huh? What did you say?” He says angrily and steps closer to pull my hair so he can see my face. “Come on! Say it!” Shouting in front of my face.
“Sorry, sorry..” I answer her with my eyes closed tightly. Hearing that, he lets go of my hair harshly and kicks my leg once again to make my body fall on the floor.
“Do you know how hard I have been working?! To give you guys money?! Have you ever thought about it?!” As expected, his anger explodes whenever I try to fight or talk back at him. The most annoying part is that he always uses those words as his AS card in all of our problems. Even though I already knew the truth that he is now spending all of the money he got for the family. If it’s for his siblings, it might be tolerable. But giving it to another particular woman and his closest friends who obviously want to ruin our family and use him, it is just unbearable.
“Agh! That’s it! I’m going back to Lijiang tomorrow. Don’t ever think that you’re going to get your money this week.” With that being said, he leaves me alone laying on the floor. Lijiang is the location of his workplace and his hometown. My fists are still clutching tightly. Closing my eyes to stop the tears from flowing but it doesn’t work at all. All parts of my body hurts and most likely tomorrow the pain won’t disappear. Nonetheless, I still feel grateful for one thing.
Thank goodness… they didn’t wake up from these noises…
**2002, October**
As the time goes by, the harder it gets to bottle up all of my feelings inside. Quan loses his job and both of us agree to open our own shop together for the first time. The good side is I became the owner of this shop and he will be staying with us for a while. However, the fact that each option must have both good and bad sides can’t be forgotten.
“Did you use my money again? The one that I always put in the drawer.” I ask him once we all finish with our dinner and he is standing outside at our terrace smoking.
“Yes. Zhelan told me that his son is sick so I will try to help him to get medicine for it.” He answers lightly as if there is no problem with it. In fact, these are the problems, the one who he just gave the money and the amount of it.
“You spend all of that money for his son's treatment?” Asking him again. But this time, I accidentally raise my voice because of my anger that start to boil once I heard that particular name.
“Relax. I didn’t spend all of it on him. I also bought Wuying a new bag. She asked for a new one.” Same like before, he answers it like we have already agreed to do so which opens my bottle of emotion.
“Did you just-” my word gets hold because of someone’s voice behind me. Someone that I never wanted to show up whenever we have an argument. A voice that has always been a blessing to my ears for the past eight years, Shoi-ming.
“How about me, Dad?” Half of his body is still hiding behind the wall like he is peeking on us from the beginning.
“Shoi-ming get back inside.” This is his first time talking back to his own father.
Obviously this situation makes me panicked as I quickly grab his hand and try to take him back inside the house. In addition, what makes me more panicked and worried is the look that Quan gives to Shoi-ming. The fury in his eyes can clearly be seen as he puts out his cigarette as well.
Oh no…
“How about my new shoes? My friends laugh at me because it has a hole in it.” He continues even though I already try to pull him back in.
“Get back inside Shoi-ming!” My voice starts to sound more demanding because I have a bad feeling of what is going to happen next. The thing that I don’t want my children ever to experience.
Usually he only talks about this to me only and once I tell him not to bring this up to his father, he will listen right away. However, today is different. He becomes persistent and doesn’t want to hear me.
Too late, when I get Shoi-ming back inside, enough to give me a space to close the door, Quan is already standing right behind me. Without any hesitation at all, he harshly grabs my hair and pulls me to fall on the floor. The door is not closed yet letting him to get in freely with a face that I have seen for quite a lot already.
“Did you say something?” Quan asks Shoi-ming with a threatening voice. From the way I look at Shoi-ming, there is no fear in his eyes or even trembling to stand in front of him. He just stands there and stares back into his own father’s eyes with those innocent and brightful eyes.
“I asked you. You’re a man, right?” Quan repeats as he steps closer to close the distance between him and Shoi-ming. Of course, I won’t stay down like usual, I quickly get on my feet and try to get on Shoi-ming’s side. But I failed again, twice in a row. His fist already lands on Shoi-ming’s head with an undeniably loud voice.
“Shoi-ming!” Is the only word that gets passed through my mouth then I try to grab Quan's hand to stop him from hitting Shoi-ming. The scream and the sound from Shoi-ming is ringing inside my head as my tears start to burst out. Unfortunately, my strength is not enough to stop him. He only needs a bare minimum effort to get rid of my hands around his arm.
“Say it! Answer me!” Quan shouts again and slaps Shoi-ming on his head again, twice, which makes Shoi-ming cover his head and bend over on his knees. Once again, I try to stop him but the result is still the same. Don’t know if it can be counted as fortune but he stops hitting him with that one last kick on Shoi-ming’s left arm.
Since that is his last hit toward Shoi-ming, Quan turns his head back at me with that outrageous face. I take it back. I’m grateful that he no longer gives Shoi-ming’s this kind of face. Another thing that I’m grateful for is that he doesn’t want to do it right in front of Shoi-ming’s eyes. Even though he needs to drag me by my hair to get outside like an animal, I feel thankful enough for his consideration. Second round and this is my turn to get some of it.
The next morning, I wake up in a room that I'm unfamiliar with. The ambience, the smell, the decoration, and everything about this room is different from where I used to sleep. My left eye vision is blurry and it’s so painful to open it fully like my right eye. My whole body feels numb. Even lifting a finger might cost a lot of energy as well. Everything just hurts but some, almost all of it, gets lifted once I hear that voice.
“Ma? Are you awake?” My blessing. My angel. My everything. I try to give my best smile and signal to come near me where I can reach him. As always of what an obedient child will do, Shoi-ming obeys my order as he slowly steps closer with a face that is painted with worry and probably scared at how my face looks.
When he is close enough, now I get a clear view of his face. Another thing needs to be grateful for is that it doesn’t leave any scar on him. Raising my heavy arm slowly to gently caress his check and slowly moving it to his left arm. Visionable black bruise. That’s it. After seeing only this bruise by knowing where he got this from, I decide to make an oath that I will carry it until my last breath.
No one will ever lay a finger to any of them anymore. Not to Shoi-ming. Not to Heng. Not to my newly born, the third and last child, Jieru. Even though my life is going to be the cost of it, I will take it.
“How about me, Dad?” Half of his body is still hiding behind the wall like he is peeking on us from the beginning.
“Shoi-ming get back inside.” This is his first time talking back to his own father.
Obviously this situation makes me panicked as I quickly grab his hand and try to take him back inside the house. In addition, what makes me more panicked and worried is the look that Quan gives to Shoi-ming. The fury in his eyes can clearly be seen as he puts out his cigarette as well.
Oh no…
“How about my new shoes? My friends laugh at me because it has a hole in it.” He continues even though I already try to pull him back in.
“Get back inside Shoi-ming!” My voice starts to sound more demanding because I have a bad feeling of what is going to happen next. The thing that I don’t want my children ever to experience.
Usually he only talks about this to me only and once I tell him not to bring this up to his father, he will listen right away. However, today is different. He becomes persistent and doesn’t want to hear me.
Too late, when I get Shoi-ming back inside, enough to give me a space to close the door, Quan is already standing right behind me. Without any hesitation at all, he harshly grabs my hair and pulls me to fall on the floor. The door is not closed yet letting him to get in freely with a face that I have seen for quite a lot already.
“Did you say something?” Quan asks Shoi-ming with a threatening voice. From the way I look at Shoi-ming, there is no fear in his eyes or even trembling to stand in front of him. He just stands there and stares back into his own father’s eyes with those innocent and brightful eyes.
“I asked you. You’re a man, right?” Quan repeats as he steps closer to close the distance between him and Shoi-ming. Of course, I won’t stay down like usual, I quickly get on my feet and try to get on Shoi-ming’s side. But I failed again, twice in a row. His fist already lands on Shoi-ming’s head with an undeniably loud voice.
“Shoi-ming!” Is the only word that gets passed through my mouth then I try to grab Quan's hand to stop him from hitting Shoi-ming. The scream and the sound from Shoi-ming is ringing inside my head as my tears start to burst out. Unfortunately, my strength is not enough to stop him. He only needs a bare minimum effort to get rid of my hands around his arm.
“Say it! Answer me!” Quan shouts again and slaps Shoi-ming on his head again, twice, which makes Shoi-ming cover his head and bend over on his knees. Once again, I try to stop him but the result is still the same. Don’t know if it can be counted as fortune but he stops hitting him with that one last kick on Shoi-ming’s left arm.
Since that is his last hit toward Shoi-ming, Quan turns his head back at me with that outrageous face. I take it back. I’m grateful that he no longer gives Shoi-ming’s this kind of face. Another thing that I’m grateful for is that he doesn’t want to do it right in front of Shoi-ming’s eyes. Even though he needs to drag me by my hair to get outside like an animal, I feel thankful enough for his consideration. Second round and this is my turn to get some of it.
The next morning, I wake up in a room that I'm unfamiliar with. The ambience, the smell, the decoration, and everything about this room is different from where I used to sleep. My left eye vision is blurry and it’s so painful to open it fully like my right eye. My whole body feels numb. Even lifting a finger might cost a lot of energy as well. Everything just hurts but some, almost all of it, gets lifted once I hear that voice.
“Ma? Are you awake?” My blessing. My angel. My everything. I try to give my best smile and signal to come near me where I can reach him. As always of what an obedient child will do, Shoi-ming obeys my order as he slowly steps closer with a face that is painted with worry and probably scared at how my face looks.
When he is close enough, now I get a clear view of his face. Another thing needs to be grateful for is that it doesn’t leave any scar on him. Raising my heavy arm slowly to gently caress his check and slowly moving it to his left arm. Visionable black bruise. That’s it. After seeing only this bruise by knowing where he got this from, I decide to make an oath that I will carry it until my last breath.
No one will ever lay a finger to any of them anymore. Not to Shoi-ming. Not to Heng. Not to my newly born, the third and last child, Jieru. Even though my life is going to be the cost of it, I will take it.
Comments
Post a Comment