**2012**
Today is Shou-ming's day where I need to bid goodbye to Shou-ming for quite a long time. Last month was his high school graduation and now he is going to continue his education in one of the well known universities, University of Electronic Science and Technology of China. Fortunately, Quan wants to give some money to him even though it’s still not as much as Wuying back then when she was in college. Of course, I won’t stay put by his action as I also give some extra from mine.
“Please be careful out there, Dear. Always eat well and take care of yourself.” I bid goodbye to him with the heavy weight on my chest.
“I will, Mom. I promise that I will never let you down.” Shou-ming replies and puts his bags on the floor first before hugging me.
“You know I’m always so proud of you, right? You are one of the biggest blessings in my life, including your younger siblings.” Even though my voice starts cracking, I’m trying my best to hide it as I return his hug.
“Yeah.. Thank you for always believing me, Mom.” He says, trying to ensure me by caressing my back gently. The hug doesn’t last as long as what I needed because Shou-ming needs to catch up with his train. With that being said, he slowly loosened his arms.
“Alright. Gotta go.” Shoi-ming says when he pulls himself from the hug and gives me his biggest smile. After that, he turns around to face his siblings who are standing behind him.
“Come on. It’s your turn guys.” He says and steps aside in order to let the others get closer to me. The two of them immediately hug me together as Heng is on my right side while Jiuri is on the other one.
“Please take care of yourself, Mom.” Heng says and strengthens his hug. His voice is still steady but he is a lot more emotional than his older brother. It’s all showing from the way he hugs me.
“We will miss you so much, Mom..” This one is Jieru as she already started sobbing from the beginning. Must be hard for a ten years old daughter to live far away from her parents. Not only losing her parents but she also needs to adapt with her new friends later. Seeing and hearing these two are enough to push me into the edge. However, I need to get myself together so they will leave without feeling worried.
“I will, Heng. I will. I promise. Mom always misses the three of you guys.” Trying my best to answer them with a steady voice even though my throat is already tightening. Last day, the day where I’m not only losing one of my blessings but all three of it. This is my decision and I’m the one who suggested it at the beginning to them.
According to their year difference between Shoi-ming and Heng which is six years, Shoi-ming is not the only one who graduated last month. Heng also graduated from his elementary school while Jiuru is still sitting in fifth grade. We already discussed it two months ago and they agreed with it eventually. Even though they look like they disagree with it, Shoi-ming seems to successfully persuade them to agree with my suggestion.
Our group hug gets interrupted by the announcement from the train station. That’s it. That’s the final call to bid the very last goodbye for them. Even though I know this is not our last moment and still can meet them again, it’s just too hard to live without them being by my side, especially when I’m going to take this path.
“Alright,” Slowly breaking the hug, “Please don’t fight with each other, okay? Behave and study well. Remember all of the things that I have thought of.” One final reminder for the three of them as they nod their heads immediately for response.
The first one to kiss the back of my hand is Jieru because she is the youngest and after that Heng will follow from behind until lastly is Shoi-ming. Before accepting our goodbye gesture, he just stands there and stares with his watery eyes into mine. Knowing exactly how he felt at this moment, overwhelmed, and probably overthinking about responsibility to take care of his younger siblings, I open my arms for one last time. Even though he is already eighteen years old, every child must have this soft spot with their parents as Shoi-ming hugs me warmly.
“Are you sure about this, Mom?” That is the first question coming from him to break the silence in our hug. Out of the blue and suddenly it brings back all of the memories with the three of them, of course it gives another slam into my heart. I stay silent for a moment and take a breath first before answering it.
“Yes, my dear. This is my choice and there’s no way back after taking that.” Answering him as he slowly pulls himself, breaking the hug only to look me in the eyes. No words come out from his mouth and he barely says ‘i love you’ but his expression speaks louder than any of it. Reading that, I cup his face with both of my hands and bring it closer until our foreheads touch.
“It’s okay, Shoi-ming. I will be alright on my own here.” Trying to reassure him in order to at least loosen some of his burden.
“Promise?” He asks as his eyes are still locking with mine.
“Promise.” Give a firm answer to him and raise my pinky finger to make the vow. Before he links his finger with mine, I can clearly hear his heavy sigh that sounds painful. How lucky I’m that I have them as my children? What have I done to be loved by them? The biggest gifts from God.
One last signal before the train’s door closes and that will be the very last moment for us before separate ways. Both of us pull ourselves apart and Shoi-ming takes another deep breath with a big smile on his face. After that, he turns around and finally gets his first step on the train. The door’s train closes and I’m watching the three of my angels in one of the cabins from outside. They are waving at me and I can clearly see Jieru’s cheeks already wet from the tears as Heng, who is sitting beside her, tries to comfort her. The train slowly moves and I’m still standing there, waving at them until the train is no longer in my sight.
As I’m lowering my hand, I can’t help to let out a long heavy sigh that I have been holding on for the past few minutes. Again, it hits differently. It hurts so much but I can’t let any word come out and my eyes just stare blankly into the last sight of the train.
Get a hold of yourself, Niu. This is the best for them. Now, let’s move forward. Follow where this path is heading until you reach the end of it. With that kept in mind, I finally get to turn myself around and walk out from the train station.
When I’m on my way to the parking lot, each footstep feels getting heavier by the time. The overwhelming emotions are still boiling inside of me which makes me unable to bring my head to look front. Because of this, I accidentally bump into a stranger which makes me immediately look up to apologize.
“I’m sorry. I should ha-” But I can’t finish my words because of seeing someone that I never expected to show up. It’s impossible and hard to believe this person can be here, in this place. As my face is completely shocked, the person that I bumped into just stands there with adoring eyes.
“Well, well, look at who this is? Is it our fate?” He says jokingly with a wide grin on his face. After taking a moment to gather myself back, I finally managed to say something back to him.
“Enlai..?” Finally the words come out even though it sounds unstable. Still can’t believe what I’m seeing right now. When he hears my response, he chuckles first and shakes his head lightly.
“Who knows? Yes, I’m your fated younger brother, Enlai.” He replies with a voice that sounds like introducing himself ridiculously. Hearing the affirmation from him, the tears that I have been holding on suddenly come out as I cover my mouth in disbelievement. Slowly my feet bring me closer to him as he opens both of his arms to welcome me into such a warm embrace that I almost forgot.
“After all these years, I finally found you, jiě jie.” Enlai says while tightening the hug and puts his head above mine, letting all of emotion out through this. Meanwhile, I’m just hugging him just as tight as him and staying silent to treasure this moment.
Before I was given such beautiful blessings, this person, who is right in my embrace, is the only thing that I had back then. He is the first and only one who knows about what my mother had done and said to me through those years. Even though my mother doesn’t treat him the same as me, Enlai is not taking advantage of it. Instead, he cheered me up and tried to fight back my mother. I’m so grateful to have him, my brave little brother who is willing to stay by my side through my dark times.
After cherishing this moment for a bit, I can feel Enlai starts to loosen his arms around me and pulls himself back. Once our eyes meet, he notices the scar on my face, more precisely the left side of it. His eyes squirt while looking at it and his right arm moves to stroke it gently.
“Who did this to you?” Based on the way he says it, I know exactly how he is trying to not let out his anger in the middle of this crowd. Instead of answering his question right away, I give him a warmth smile and squeeze his shoulder lightly.
“Have you eaten?” I ask him and he shakes his head in an instant.
“Then let’s talk while we are eating.” With that being said, both of us leave the train station and head to one of my favorite places to eat hotpot together with him.
It’s still just the beginning of my new journey, my first step on this path yet it feels like everything went too smoothly and some unexpected things kept coming to me. Is it really one of the signs that it’s my best choice? Or is it just my luck? Well, no one can answer that anyway as I just need to go and face forward. If it’s just my luck, I wonder how long it will last.
**2013**
**Third Person POV**
“Yes, Ge… Mom is no longer with us…” Wuying says in between her sobbings through the cell phone with Quan. Quick notice, Gege is how to call an older brother. On the other side, Quan can hear his siblings crying and screaming behind Wuying which makes his heart ache so much. Both of his fists are white from how tight he is clenching his own hands. His eyes are getting red and face turns into disbelievement mixed with anger of not accepting this unfortunate news. No longer able to bottled up his emotions, Quan instinctively punches the wall beside him as hard as he can. Therefore, it draws Niu’s attention who is watching in the living room and she slowly gets up to approach her husband.
“Gege…” Wuying grimaces silently once again which snaps Quan back to his senses. The sense of an older brother to take care of his youngest sister kicks in.
“I’ll be there tomorrow, Wuying. Don’t you worry.” This is the first sentence that Niu can hear clearly as she is already standing behind him.
“Do you need anything? I will bring it for you before I get there.” Hearing that, Niu raises one of her eyebrows in confusion. Quan just got home last night and he is going back to Lijiang again tomorrow? What could it be?
After a few times Quan tries to comfort the person on the side by the phone, he finally hangs it up. Of course, seeing his husband's reaction by rubbing his forehead and letting out a heavy sigh like that makes Niu think it’s probably just some of his work. But those thoughts are ruined when she hears him slightly sobbing with his head down. By all means, there is no way that it’s about his work. Why would he be so emotional about his job anyway? Put that in mind, Niu slowly approaches and bends down beside him.
“Are you okay?” Niu asks softly and puts her hand on his shoulder. At first, Quan raises his head only to look at her directly into her eyes for a second then puts his back down again. Another heavy sigh comes out and he shakes his head lightly. This is the first time Niu ever sees Quan like this so she decides to move closer and kneel down beside him.
“What happened?” The second question comes out more softly then the previous as now she can clearly see her husband’s face which fills with irritation and sadness. Don’t want to rush him, Niu gently caresses his back and stays by his side patiently. That’s one of the jobs as a wife, right?
“She’s gone.” Finally a word comes out from Quan’s mouth even though Niu barely can hear it.
“Hm? Sorry?” Niu apologizes and gets her right ear closer to Quan in order to hear him more clearly.
“Wuying just called me.” His voice becomes clearer. He raises his head but his gaze is still on the ground. Letting the silence wrap around them once again, Niu waits for him to continue patiently without rushing at all.
“Mom is no longer with us.” Finally he continues and it pangs Niu’s heart in an instant. Her eyes get wider, her breath gets hold, and her face looks completely shocked from it. There are mixed feelings inside of her. Happy is not quite right because that sounds too rude. Relief might be more suitable, in the level of not reaching excitement, for it since Yang is one of the biggest obstacles in the path she is taking on. However, Niu is still someone who has a heart, she is a human being after all. Therefore, hearing such a news makes her tears come out and bring her husband into a hug. Only a side hug.
Meanwhile on the other side, the situation in his grandparents' house seems a lot more chaotic as all of the siblings are crying. Wuying is still outside and walking back to back on their terrace. Her face is still wet from the tears but somehow there is something more on it, uneasiness. Seems like it’s not only sadness in her head but something else. After spending time alone for quite some time, she finally decides to get back inside and does something that came across in her mind that night.
Just like what Quan told Niu last night, this morning they are going to Lijiang together and taking the earliest train schedule. Not to forget that, Quan needs to buy what Wuying asked for last night. Of course the things he buys for Wuying is something expensive even though it’s just sweets. Seeing this, Niu thinks something off and feels disgusted at the same time. How come in such a mournful moment, Wuying still has the thought to ask him to buy her something.
When they arrive there, Wuying is the first one who welcomes them with tears rolling down her cheeks. She then leads up to get inside of the house and all eyes from his siblings and friends are on us immediately. All of them are sitting right next to the wall and circling the coffin where it’s located right in the center of the living room. Quan’s step is getting slower as we get closer to see the person who is lying inside the coffin. Once Quan finally can see it, Niu can feel how his heart breaks into pieces even though his face stays still. He just stands there and stares into his mother's resting place without blinking.
On the next day after the burial, all of the family members are there and leave the graveyard one by one until the ones who stayed there are only Quan and Wuying.f
“Ge, there is something that I need to tell you. It’s from mom. Her last words for us.” Wuying says, breaking the silence around them with her cracked voice and still sobbing a little bit. Quan doesn’t say anything in return, instead he turns his head to look at his sister. Without further ado, Wuying takes out a nice envelope from her bag.
“This is from Mom.” Handing the paper to Quan then he takes it right away. His eyes get wider, his face gets red as tears start to come out again. Seeing his older brother like this, Wuying immediately hugs him and tries to comfort him.
“Will you do that for Wuying? Is it too much?” She asks while Quan is still in the middle of letting out his emotion.
“Of course… Of course I will and gladly with my entire heart.” Quan replies and looks directly into his sister’s eyes.
“No matter what happened, I will always remember what our mom told us. You don’t have to worry about it.” He continues and kisses Wuying’s forehead which forms a smile an instant on Wuying.
“Thanks, Ge. I’m always grateful to have Ge as my older brother. I love you.” Wuying says and another teardrop comes out as she goes back into his brother's arms. The two of them spend their heartwarming moment together for a while there until Quan’s phone interrupts them. Quan quickly reaches his phone and sees the name of the person who is calling him.
“Sorry, Wuying. I need to pick this up.” He says and slowly pulls away from the hug. Wuying just nods her head for a response before Quan gets up and walks away from her. Her eyes are still staring at Quan’s back and letting out a sigh of relief. Little did she know, Wuying suddenly feels someone’s presence right behind her which makes her turn around. None other than Niu who is staring at her with a pitying look. Of course this is such a delightful sight for Wuying as it never fails to make her irritated.
“What? What are you looking at?” She says and looks at her cynically. Niu doesn’t say anything from that as she keeps silent and locks her eyes toward Wuying without expression at all.
“Heh,” She scoffs and lightly shakes her head “You must be so happy now, huh? Such a cheap woman. You really don’t have a heart, don’t you?”
Still no response from Niu which irritates Wuying even more.
“Bitch.” That is the last word that comes out from her mouth before turning around and leaving Niu standing still there.
“I feel bad, Wuying.” Finally Niu opens her mouth to speak up which actually stops Wuying’s footsteps and turns back to her. She usually can just leave her right away. However the way Niu speaks up, her voice and intonation, it sounds like she is trying to provoke her. Moreover, when Wuying looks back again to her, Niu has that indescribable smile on her face. A smile that Wuying never saw before.
“It must be hard being left by our parents.” Niu continues and from here Wuying’s eyes become sharper to look her in the eyes. As if she is stabbing Niu just from her gaze.
“What do you–” Before Wuying can finish her sentence, Niu cuts her in first.
“Let’s pray the best for both of us from now on, Wuying.” After saying that Niu bows toward her then walks away. Leaving Wuying clueless of what’s the meaning behind Niu’s words.
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